A death in the family has freaked me out considerably and I have had some horrid dreams subsequently. I dreamt my Dad died and then I inherited the same terminal condition and was given 4 days to live. I kept protesting to everyone saying I felt fine and I couldn’t possibly be dieing but my Mum told me it would happen really quickly and there was nothing I could do.
Damn it - she was right. I started losing all power of speech and paniced because I couldn’t communicate anything to anyone. (not that I knew what I wanted to communicate but I wanted the option in my last hours). So I tried writing stuff down but it was like when you are really really trashed and you can’t make your body move how you intend. The writing was coming out all scrawled and illedgable. Brings me out in a cold sweat just remembering that dream.
Friday morning I went in to work in a terrible flap convinced my Dad was dead and unable to find his phone number to check. Pete thought it was quite funny as I was frantic and not making much sense, in fact I thought I was going to cry, but his reaction sobered me a lot and I’m thankful. Actually - he thought I’d been snorting something. haha.
Anyway, I’m ok now, I wrote a really difficult letter to my aunt as it’s she who’s lost her husband. I took ages to write it as I can’t just bullshit it and say “Oh, thinking of you… blah blah.. time heals .. blah blah”, and in the end I was pleased with what I wrote.
It’s got me to thinking about my Will, not in a terribly morbid way at all, and that’s something that I’d like to make clear - that I could have died plenty of times already in my life and I would have thought “yeah - good one, I had a wicked a time”, so when it happens I want people to know this. Oh, and the other thing I wanted to specify was that I want to get cremated - not that it really matters but cremated or buried under an oak tree in a cardboard casket. I don’t want to be sealed in a coffin, it’s wasteful and creepy. Nuke me or make me tree food, either way. :) As for tunes, last requests kind of thing I’d l kinda like Lee Marvin “Wand’rin Star” athough I suspect that’s too sad.. how about Des’ree “Feel So High” or some other girl singer .. thinking about death is so self indulgent, it’s like they say at a wedding, the bride gets to play the “Princess”, when you die you can have the whole thing arranged as a celebration of Me! Shame we never get to see it and revel in our center stage spotlight. Hahaha.
All that’s probably quite tasteless, so on a lighter note - check out these guys site, the Art of Blending In, Brit humour at it’s best.
Night!